Monday Morning Madness

Welcome back to the Monday Morning Madness. If you’re reading this, congratulations—you survived another weekend without accidentally joining a cult or eating a Tide Pod. Unless you're Boston. JEE-ZUS! What the fuck?! How the hell do you blow a 3-1 lead? Orlando, I can understand. It's Orlando. But come on. Whatever. I'm not a sports journalist. I'm not even a writer; I just play one on the internet for legal purposes. You guys like how I opened with an out-of-date reference

¿Cómo están, Bitches! Spanish Language News (Monday Morning Madness) is here! The song playing is "Small Town" by John Mellencamp. The station is set to WKIT -- Brewer. Bangor. Maine. (seriously, if you aren't listening, then you are failing at life) The drink? Folgers Classic Roast. It’s hot, it’s cheap, and I haven't tainted it with any of that "pumpkin spice" bullshit. Like my whiskey, I prefer my coffee neat. Sugar-free and black, just like my heart. (Muhahaha! ) What a